Understand that the right to
choose your own path
is a sacred privilege.
Use it.
Dwell in possibility.
– Oprah Winfrey
Path to the Beach and Dune Grass by Ian Britton
Pier by Brenda Starr
Garden Path by Brenda Starr
Path by Jonathan Gill
Enchanting Path – Explore by Ken
Path In Winter by Peter Whelerton
Winter Snow Path by Barbara
Don’t prepare the path for the child,
prepare the child for the path.
– Anonymous
Like the seasons change, so do we walk through life and shed the skin of our youth while we morph into adulthood. This transformation allows the radiance from underneath to shine and guide us into the moment.
As human beings we are more complex and sometimes want to hide from our potentials. Yet, the underlying hunger for our authentic self will remain until we pause and follow the inner whisper. It is in such moments that all there is, are the infinite potentials of change. When you find it challenging to embrace change remember that it is against nature to stay the same and it is our choice to recreate our world, again and again.
I didn’t know that drinking tea can be almost as sensual as the delight of a French gourmet dinner. It has been a few weeks since I met a friend for tea at my favorite “tea lounge”. At each visit I used to drink the same teas until about a year ago, when I decided to choose a different tea each time. The menu is incredibly long and filled with names like Green Ecstasy, Ocean of Wisdom, or Monkey Picked Iron Goddess of Mercy. It will take me while to get through most of the teas and some are so delicious I often take some home. I have come to realize that it is an art to prepare a tea to its perfection and to be able to bring forth the hidden delights. Last time I had their special, a black Korean tea, that was out of this world with its intense chocolate aroma transcending the smell and taste. I slowly lingered over this sumptuous brew while devouring my Jook dish over an equally relaxing but rich conversation with my friend. Rain or shine we easily can spend hours diving into life’s adventures over a few cups of tea. Somehow a cup of tea, whether it is at my favorite “tea lounge” or at home, slows down the flow of time and with an ease creates a connection to the present moment. Other times the atmosphere surrounding a delightful tea complements quiet evenings when I read a good book or muse over some poetic writing.
Over the years I introduced several friends to this place and each one loves to come back to the exquisite pleasure of drinking tea prepared with care. It has become a ritual with most of my friends that we almost always drink tea when we meet and allow ourselves to get lost in time for a a while. Then it is as if the time stands still until we return to our routine rhythms. My husband spent some time in France during his twenties, and since then he admires the French eating culture for being so sensual and bringing one’s taste buds alive. I know very few people beside him and a few friends from France, who are able to enjoy food on such a grand scale. When we open ourselves to the pleasure of food our taste buds dance to the tune of the various flavors. In order to do that we have to slow down and for a moment allow ourselves to forget the notion of time. Sharing elements of delight, the culture of drinking tea is a ritual that also invites us to relax and enjoy our senses with friends or in solitude away from the stimulation of electronic gadgets and information overload. In essence it allows us to connect to the simple but grand pleasures of life that are priceless.
When was the last time you slowed down over a cup of tea?
Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves – slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. ~Thich Nat Hahn
It is the function of art to renew our perception. What we are familiar with we cease to see. The writer shakes up the familiar scene, and, as if by magic, we see a new meaning in it.
Anais Nin
Beating of a Butterfly’s Wings over the Atlantic can cause a hurricane in the Pacific is quote from the movie “Happenstance”, which dwells on the consequences of a series of small and at times insignificant actions by different people. We all engage in countless small and not so small actions often without a deeper thought. Yet, those actions create a ripple effect beyond our individual universe and touch others at times in ways we never get to know.
As I am wondering what would be a good example, I thought about my wedding dress and how our journey intertwined. What happened to it? Did it make another woman happy, and did her marriage last longer than mine? Like so many twenty-some-year-old women I dreamt of a monumental wedding ceremony in an old historic church along with a fancy white dress and an exotic honey moon. I got it all. Yet, my marriage only lasted a couple of years. Nobody had taught me how to navigate through the state of a union and make it work. But this is besides the point I want to make. Upon the return from our honeymoon I had the wedding gown dry cleaned and kept it in an almost sterile environment. I was determined to preserve this memorable relict for eternity, thinking that perhaps one day I have a daughter who will wear it for her big day.
At the time I probably saw my future descendent’s grand occasion happening through my self imposed pink lenses. If anybody had tried to pull me out of that cloud I would not have listened. Maybe a friend or family member tried and I simply don’t remember. Well, like many young women before me the rude awakening from this unrealistic Cinderella dream came kind of sudden. Sure, from today’s point of view it was long in the making, but back then the realization about the state of my marriage came out of nowhere.
Very much like my wedding dress, which I tried to keep in a pristine condition, I placed the same focus on my marriage, clinging on the early happy moments and not wanting to move beyond the beginning stage. We had shuffled everything that appeared to be uncomfortable under a carpet and failed to communicate until one day we not only stumbled, but fell over the mountain top covered by the carpet. As our marriage rolled down the hill it got momentum and the increased speed felt like a free fall into an infinite dark space. I was married for less than two years when the walls of our union started to crumble and the tower collapsed soon afterward like a sink hole. We had failed to build a foundation upon which we could have prevailed a storm.
Once it was clear that this was indeed the end of not only my marriage, but also the end of a dream, I was forced to move on with my life and face a new reality. For a while I attended my broken heart in that never-ending darkness until I started pulling myself up and ultimately decided to resolve my contribution to the failing of that marriage. I asked myself what did I need to repair in order to enter another union in the future and above all to make it work. First, I had to downsize from a spacious house to an apartment and that meant among many other things to render my wedding dress to someone else. It no longer carried the importance and memory I wanted to preserve, but the symbol of a surreal marriage built in the sky. I didn’t want to hold to on to what so painfully collapsed while I paid no attention to the process until it was too late.
Now I had to face the real world with all its changes and determined the same fate for my dress. I gave the wedding gown to a local charity that mainly assisted immigrants. There the dress hang among many other used insignificant cloth in a large room exposed to an indifferent environment. Did someone stop and embrace its beautiful design as I once did? I wonder what woman stepped in front of an altar wearing that dress? Is she still married and happy with the state of her relationship? What does her life look like now? Was she more mature and wiser than I was, or had she access to a wise woman’s guidance? Does she have a daughter? I will never know, but if this were a scene in a movie like “Happenstance”, the viewer would get a peek into the aftermath of my wedding dress. What if we were able to tap into such knowing? Would that alter our own life and add to our wisdom? A movie would allow the audience to glance at the next sequel…. a wedding and most interestingly of all the family that is tight to the memory of that dress. With that thought I can almost see that wedding gown hanging in someone else’s closet as it may still exist somewhere out there.
When I first read “Why is it always about you” by Sandra Hotchkiss, I had a good grasp of narcissism. Yet, since then I had two innate narcissistic experiences, one at work and one in my personal life. I will forgo the stories and share my inner journey.
When my feelings were hurt by unfair and disrespectful interactions, I felt like entering a tunnel sensing the tight narrow dark space all over my body and making me feel very uncomfortable. The emotional pain came and went in waves over a few days until I found my way out on the other end where an unexpected insight revealed itself. Like a spontaneous idea, I was struck by the understanding of why and what prevented the other persons from seeing my point of view and exercising fair judgment. I realized that the other persons were so busy with a wound from old times that there was no room for another approach but rather projected parts they could not own on me. The persons appeared to be driving without orientation through a never ending fog. Whereas for myself, near the end of the tunnel I felt like somebody had switched on the light and allowed me to let go of my emotional charge and be at peace with myself and the other persons. By allowing myself to feel my part of the emotional chain while struggling with a suitable response, I transcended my grief. That process created room for the insight and gave me a new sense of freedom not to react. This is essential for creating healthier boundaries and maintaining inspirational relationships with others.
When we are entangled in the emotional web with others it is difficult to navigate through differences with a healthy perspective. We have to find a way to dig deeper inside of ourselves and resolve the emotionally charged spider web before migrating to higher ground and leaving the distorted perceptions behind. Each of these kinds of experiences provides us with another sliver of freedom, freedom to be our true self. In hindsight the process appears rather simple, but in front of the tunnel it can be scary and one can easily get stuck with fear anywhere in between. Yet, it is the extra step that brings us closer to ourselves and others.
I encourage everybody to dare to feel the depth of being hurt while at the same time not to wallow in sorrow. Have the courage to walk through the pain and leave it behind. Sometimes it may take more than one ride through the tunnel to resolve a larger conflict, yet as long we move forward in our time it does not matter. The sliver of freedom on the other end of the tunnel is simply priceless.
I don’t think I will ever forget my 10th and 11th grade English teacher, Ms. Kotthaus. Although she was the principal, she taught English as a second language in two classes with almost 30 students each. I still remember when she first entered the classroom. She was petite, dressed in an old-fashion dress and was probably in her late forties or early fifties. Her thin hair was kind of short and started to show some gray. We students thought she looked rather funny and odd. When I think about it, from the students’ perspective she appeared nerdy and looked rather studious. Once in while she blinked with her eyes and was always focused on the particular English lesson. The way she spoke and her intonation seemed to be perfect. She was a demanding teacher who gave us lot of homework, and was strict when grading our assignments or tests. Unlike a few other teachers she demanded that we participated during class, completed all assignments, studied for every lesson and stayed current with the material covered.
For a while I was not sure how I felt about her class, but soon I started really enjoying her lessons. She paid attention to individual students’ needs and skills, which, looking back, still surprises me. Today teachers have so many administrative responsibilities besides students’ homework and lesson preparation, that there is little time to indulge into individual students’ unique abilities. Until today I can’t really point out what sparked my enthusiasm during those English lessons, but my grades went up not only in English but overall. It was as if I suddenly realized that it was worthwhile to broaden my horizon and inhale knowledge. Out of nowhere studying was fun and not a chore anymore. I still had to practice and review for tests, but somehow I didn’t have to force myself to prepare for that next test. No longer did I procrastinate even in other subjects. From today’s perspective something inside of me came alive and started to prosper.
It wasn’t until long after I left school and stepped into the world that I realized Ms. Kotthaus’ gift was being an engaged teacher who was dedicated to give students the best possible education in a caring structure yet with unwavering expectations. For her it was not just a job or a stepping stone to the next higher position, teaching and interacting with students was her passion. When she talked to me I knew she listened and was fully present. Especially children and young people know when an adult’s mind is somewhere else while speaking to them. We probably all experienced a teacher who sounded like a recording when repeating his or her lesson in the same style every year. Not so Ms. Kotthaus, she knew how to make learning interesting. She probably invested a lot of time and energy to prepare for those lessons. Well, for me her investment paid off. She helped me, in what seemed like a small miracle at the time, to find joy in accumulating and understanding knowledge. Ms. Kotthaus gave us attention and made us feel appreciated. Ultimately it is a gift to give the other person our full attention when we interact. This reflects respect, kindness, and appreciation. It wasn’t until I almost finished writing this post that I realized how my experience with Ms. Kotthaus has come to full circle. I learned from my teacher that if you give of yourself you can make a profound human connection and inspire others. Today, when I meet with college students, I create an environment that allows me to fully listen to their concerns, because only then can I provide the best advise and support.
I like to listen. I have learned a great deal from listening carefully. Most people never listen.
Ernest Hemingway
Why is it Always About You? The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
by Sandra Hotchkiss
This is an excellent and well-written book that helps to better understand interpersonal dynamics. You probably encounter narcissistic people every day either in your personal life, at work or in public, and wonder why some are utterly self-centered and without empathy for the well being of others. Well, Hotchkiss eloquently describes the roots of this behavior along with coping strategies as well as commenting on the social aspects of narcissism. She explains that narcissism is a healthy and necessary state during the toddler and teen years that allows children to explore the world beyond their parents’ security. With a mature adult’s guidance children gradually integrate a new sense of self and the awareness of being separate from other people. I recognize that unhealthy narcissistic traits tend to reflect the void of proper guidance through those crucial childhood stages and may mask an insecure self.
Hotchkiss’ insight allowed me to redefine my perception of human behavior, and with this book she provided the tools to better define healthy boundaries. Although published in 2003, this book is a classic and must read for parents, caretakers and those working with challenging adults.
Full disclosure: My Favorite Books are linked to my Amazon Associates account, which means that if you buy anything after clicking on the link, I get a percentage of the sale.
Today we need a power outage or a corrupted server to step away from the high-tech communication gadgets and slow down our everyday life. Well, this week I almost experienced both, and first was rather frustrated with the perspective not meeting all my deadlines. I had to pause and reflect on what was realistic for not only this week, but also the entire month.
In previous years I simply worked long hours and fully focused on the workload. This time circumstances interfered and slowed me down. After an agonizing sleep-deprived night, I realized that with proper communication I can delay some of the projects and allow myself to glide through the coming weeks while maintaining a healthy balance.
It is so easy to plow away and get lost in achieving our perceived goals. Yet, when life demands a pause, we can seize the moment and reach for healthier solutions and still take care of our priorities. What first appeared to be an obstacle turned out to be an opportunity to re-evaluate my expectations. By deciding to juggle fewer projects I allowed myself to aim for higher productivity and a happier me. Once in while I have to remind myself that when I am in balance, I give my best.
D
uring my childhood and as a young adult I was an avid swimmer. At the time I learned the breaststroke and whenever my head was under water I closed my eyes. Since then I swam mostly for fun and the joy of being in the water on hot a sunny day or a beautiful beach. Earlier this year I joined a fitness program designed to inspire healthier lifestyles. Little did I know how I would not only enjoy the ride but started a journey.
Well, this Fall the program included swimming with instructions, and not only did I rediscover my joy of swimming but for the first time I noticed that the side effect of swimming leaves me feeling more relaxed and grounded. Perhaps I felt it when I was younger but didn’t give it much thought. Since I didn’t have goggles, during the swimming sessions I continued using the breaststroke. After a couple weeks of procrastinating I finally bought myself a pair of goggles.
It took me a few laps to get used to exhaling in the water, and keeping my eyes open even under water. Wow, the goggles allowed me to widen my spectrum and see what was below. I was so excited to see the tiles at the bottom of the swimming pool and the angle at which the floor sloped deeper into the ground. When others passed by their kick created numerous amazing and shining tiny bubbles. It looked like a graceful dance performance under water. Unexpectedly I found a new kind of joy in swimming and didn’t want to leave the pool. Above the water was the naked sky with a sliver of the moon peeking down from above the gymnasium. Lights from other buildings around the university campus appear like illuminated speckles in the sky.
Not only did I see what was under water, but I looked at what was above the water with fresh eyes. For the first time I realized that in the past I swam in many different waters without seeing what was beneath the surface. Now I wonder why didn’t I think about this before. I believe everything in life is highlighted when we try something new with our eyes wide open and being in the present moment. Then we can find new experiences that provide us with insight into life’s miracles in unexpected places not visible for those rushing by.
What if you were to give thanks every day. Thanks for being in the moment and feeling so alive. Thanks for feeling so vivid when watching the wild dance of the ocean. Thanks for the beautiful morning sunlight peeking into our kitchen window. Thanks for the glorious sounds of our favorite music. Thanks for the innocent love and joy of a child. Thanks for the opportunities that brought us to where we are today. Thanks for the infinite possibilities lying ahead of us. Thanks for the smile from a stranger while we ponder over an argument earlier that day. Thanks for the bountiful apples in our garden. Thanks for a helping hand. Thanks for the fresh and colorful produce at the farmers market. Thanks for the kind words of a dear friend. Thanks for the sound of nature in our backyard. Thanks for the possibility to share with loved ones. Thanks for a Sunday afternoon with a cup of tea while reading a good book. Thanks for living in place that makes us feel content.
What are your slivers of thanks?